The loss of someone important

My grandma, Josephine Gordillo Carrion Warren’s death in 2004, although sad and tragic, was also an important and beautiful lesson about family, love and life. My grandma had battled breast cancer, which metastasized into bone cancer, for 10 years. She had gone through four rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, and though her will to live was stronger than most, on top of a car accident that left her spine slightly detached, the last couldn’t round of chemo was too much for her frail body to withstand. Two weeks before the dreaded day she left this earth I had spoken with my grandma on the phone and I didn’t feel there was any cause to be concerned. My mom knew something was wrong, however, and decided it was time for her to drive from Mississippi to Arizona, to be with her mother in case something happened. As my mom drove through the state of New Mexico she saw an abnormal amount of shooting stars in the sky and in her heart she knew it was no coincidence that all those beautiful bright stars were fading out and dying on this particular journey. After the passing of my grandfather, Herbert Wayne Warren, we had all started to believe that the frequent dragonfly sightings we had been witnessing was a sign that my grandpa was around us, watching over us all. My grandma liked this idea and it kept her spirits up and she was positive that this belief had helped her overcome a case of pnemonia when the cards looked as if they were stacked against her. Once my mom arrived and saw the condition my grandma was in, she decided it was time to call the rest of the family. I was in disbelief when I heard this could possibly be the last time I was going to see my grandma, and it was then that I made the decision that my daughter, who was six years old at the time, should also be there say her goodbyes. My grandma passed away within 24 hours of me getting there. She had wanted to be at home when she died and we all respected her wishes. Her family stood around her, me, my aunts, uncle, mom, cousins, step dad and my daughter all stood around her bed holding hands and talking to her, telling her it was ok to pass over and that we would all be alright. As we were standing there talking to her, hands locked in love, the dragonfly wind chime that she had hung on the lamp next to her bed began to move, and the dragonfly nightlight that was plugged into the wall next to her began to blink on and off, repeatedly. We all saw these mysterious things happening and knew that her time with us was coming to an end. Our family was, of course, very upset and everyone tried to busy themselves the best way they knew how, as my cousin Brent and I sat with our grandma, holding her hands. I had been having a difficult time talking to her and being near her because this frail, unresponsive lady lying in that that bed was not the grandma I knew and loved, but I knew it was important to be there with her at that moment. That is a choice I will never regret because as we sat with her, holding her hands and feeding her ice chips, my 68 year old grandmother took her last breath. There was instantly an emotional wave of tears and hugs that flows over my family members as we all tried to come to terms with the fact that she was gone. We sent my daughter and my eight year old cousin into my grandma’s bedroom to watch cartoons as we all broke down and after a short time passed, my daughter came out and said that she she saw something outside. One by one my family members and I followed her into the bedroom and once we looked out the window, there was no doubt, there was a cross shining brightly and boldly across the moon. I went into other rooms in the house, looking out the windows and ran even ran outside to see if it could be seen from there, but the only place we could see this brilliant and comforting sign, was from my grandma’s bedroom window. Later that evening, I had an overwhelming urge to write a poem about my grandma’s death, so I grabbed a pen and paper and went in her room, shut the door and lay on her bed. Thoughts and memories flooded my head as the words poured onto the paper, with no hesitation. That poem that I wrote in my grandma’s loving memory, was posted in the newspaper along with her obituary. I was given the honor of selecting my grandmother’s urn, and since she loved hummingbirds, I chose a beautiful one with quick and colorful creatures on it. Whenever I am visited by a hummingbird or dragonfly I think of my grandparents and feel that they are there with me. The whole experience of my grandma’s death affected not only the family, but also friends and hospice workers, who witnessed all the strange and unexplainable things that happened during her passing. My grandmother had determination and chose to take a positive attitude towards everything in her life, even as her body was slowly dying. She had always wanted to be a doctor, but being born in the 30’s made it difficult for her as a woman. This didn’t stop her from making a lasting impression on her doctor though. Her doctor had given a speech about my grandma at a medical convention he had attended, because she was remarkable and was a survivor with a will to live unlike any he had ever seen. It is not said very often, but my grandmother’s death was a thing of joy and beauty. In her passing, she was able to show us things that gave us hope and instilled beliefs into members of my family who had none before. We all took something away from this experience that will stay with us until our time on this planet has run out , and I hope at that time, I am able to leave such a powerful and unforgettable impression. I miss my grandparents every day, but when I see hummingbird hover on my porch for a few moments, or when a dragonfly flies inside my house on a warm summer day, I just smile, knowing they are stopping by to say hello.

My definition of love 5/4/11

I think there are many different kinds of love (family, friends, kids, pets, and of course relationships) but they are all built on the same basic fundamental things. Almost everyone experiences love in some form, from someone at some point in their lives, but only an extremely rare few will experience real, true, head over heels, doing back flips, outta your damn mind kinda love, and have the other person feel the exact same way. Which is why im gonna discuss my take on that particular love. My definition of that kind of love has taken a life time to develop itself. Most of my life i thought true love only happened in movies and books and if people said they were in love and talked about how great everything was, i assumed they were lying, not wanting others to know they werent as happy as they wanted to be. Ive always been rather jaded and pessimistic when it came to the subject of love. Never really being one to turn into a googly eyed, goofy smile wearing dipshit over a guy, I never really knew what the big deal was about being "in love" but eventually realized, that its because i had been in 3 long term relationships totaling around 10 years all together between the 3, and i was never actually in love with any of them. If you have never had that... im so happy i cant stop smiling, feels like butterflies are going to bust out of my chest, cant think about anything or anyone else, only want to be with them forever and ever feeling... you dont think about it, because you dont know what youre missing... but something has changed in me and i honestly believe that there is a possibility that you can meet someone that will make you feel that way... And the definition of love will become very clear. Im not saying i believe in love at first sight, per say, but i do believe that you can look at someone and know you feel something for them, thats more than lust or a basic physical attraction... then when you talk to them and find out that you have a lot in common, you want to hear everything they have to say, you never get bored and you hang on their every word, a hug from them makes you feel safe and happy and like you wouldnt want to be anywhere else in the world, kissing is very natural and sensual, leaving you seeing stars... and sex, already a fun and favorite past time of many, reaches a new level of amazing, because there is so much more intimacy and passion involved. True love, to me, is the mutual respect and mirroring feelings between two people. I believe if you truly love someone you want them to be happy, and you love them selflessly and unconditionally and in order to obtain that level of love and respect for someone you have to receive the same from them. There are a lot of emotions and qualities needed from each person to form a happy and healthy relationship and both people need to feel comfortable, trusted, happy, safe and important to the other. I am by no means an expert on love, nor am i a fool. I fully realize life isnt a fairy tale and there arent always happy endings, but if you are one of the lucky people to have experienced this kind of love, hang on to it and enjoy it while you can, i know i will if i get the chance =)

Our Best holiday

Last year my kids and I moved to Arizona to be near our family. I moved away over fifteen years ago, before I had kids, so my children have never really had a chance to get to know their relatives. The last several holidays we have spent here, are the first ones my kids have ever been able to spend with my mom. I am reminded of holidays I’ve spent with my mom and my grandparents as I was growing up and those memories are very special to me. I didn’t realize how important this move was for us, until I saw how happy everyone is to be together. Watching my mom walk around with my 2 year old, trick or treating on Halloween, made my heart swell because I knew how much it meant to my mom to be able to have that experience with her granddaughter. I loved being able to have my family over to my house for Thanksgiving and make a delicious feast for everyone. It brought back memories of Thanksgivings at my grandparent’s house, grandma cooking in the kitchen, grandpa watching football on the couch and mouthwatering smells filling the air. My oldest daughter went to Washington to spend Christmas with her dad this year but before she left we were able to take family pictures in front of our Christmas tree and even took a trip up the mountain to roast marshmallows, drink hot chocolate and play in the snow. My parents spent the night with us on Christmas Eve to be part of putting Santa’s cookies and presents out for my little one. This Christmas was the first time my parents didn’t have to look at pictures to see the joy on my daughter’s face as she saw the gifts under the tree and opened them with excitement. My youngest turned three years old last month and it was also the first time my mom was able to be there for one of her grandchildren’s birthdays. We had a party with my family and everyone sang happy birthday, watched her blow out her candles and open her gifts. When we lived in Washington I wished that we could live closer to our family, but I didn’t really think about the memories and experiences that my mom and my kids were missing out on. My grandparents were always very dear to me and now that they are gone all I have are wonderful memories of them. I’m glad that my kids are able to feel that unconditional love and create lasting memories with my mom that they will be able to cherish throughout their lives. No matter what may happen during our family holidays together, I know that my children's memories of them will be filled with laughter, happiness, and love, just as mine were."

Unforgettable Childhood Experience

When I was six years old my family decided we were going to church one Easter Sunday, which was out of the ordinary for us, so I was pretty excited. I donned my fancy dress with the lace and frills, feeling like a princess. I got new shoes for the occasion also, nice shiny patent leather with a buckle on the side and slick soles, perfect for sliding across the kitchen floor.

We drove to the church and my excitement reached a new level as I saw friends from the neighborhood there for Sunday School also. As my parents got out of the car I began to do what six year olds do best, I hopped, skipped and ran ahead of them, across the freshly paved parking lot. I was having lots of fun until the church's large glass door kept getting closer and closer and I realized I was sliding and unable to stop. I tried to drop to the ground to stop myself, but it was too late, I hit the glass door with such force that the entire bottom half of the door shattered.

I was lying on my back with half of my body inside and the other half outside of the church. I was in shock, unable to move, as I stared in horror at a large jagged piece of glass dangling three feet above my stomach. The serrated glass swinging from the top of the door frame resembled a giant menacing icicle, its razor sharp point ready to impale me at any moment. I don’t remember hearing or seeing anything but that piece of glass, but luckily my stepdad snatched me out of harm’s way and quickly carried me to the car. We raced to the emergency room and I received ten stitches on the side of my left knee which happened to be the part of my body that I used as a battering ram against that glass door.

Now, at six years old I was very adamant about getting a perfect attendance award at school, so my mom was kind enough to carry me to school so I could try and keep the goal attainable. Since the knee is a part of the body that constantly moves, I developed water on the knee and my incision blew up like a water balloon. I had to have a doctor remove my stitches to relieve the water that was trapped beneath my skin which left me with two scars... one physical scar around two inches long on my knee and the other, a lifetime childhood scar for missing that perfect attendance award by one lousy day.

Back To School...

For those of us who have been in college for awhile, just started or have thought about going back but havent yet... this blog is for you.

We are adults, who choose to go back to school to get an education which will in turn get us a job, that will hopefully be something we enjoy, we are good at and makes us a lot of money. That is the goal.

Some of us have been out of school for 10 years or more and have lost a lot of information we learned in high school, or are going to be learning things we never even attempted to learn in high school. I myself am 35, just started college 3 weeks ago and havent done any schooling until now,  in 12 years. It is taking some time to reaquaint myself with going to class, having someone tell me what to do, doing homework, taking quizes, amongst other things, however, I am excited about this. I made the decision to move away from my home, all my dear friends/family and good times in order to better myself for my kids and for myself. I want to be able to support my kids on my own without having to rely on other people, who have (or havent) helped me in the past. I want to be a good role model for my daughters and lead by example. It is never too late.

In college you make the choice to take classes, you arent forced like when you are in high school and i think the teachers should admire and appreciate that and embrace you and welcome you, even if they have taught for longer than you have been alive... every student is different, with different learning capabilities, but we are all there for the same reason. I bring this up because a couple weeks ago my prealgebra teacher said things like "you arent studying or else you would know these things" "dont waste my time" and "if you arent here to give it 100% then leave". Now, mind you this was our second class. Like i said before, most of us in this class havent been in school for years, its not that we arent studying, its that we just havent had the time to understand what we are doing in the short amount of time. I feel like instead of telling us to drop the class, get out or leave, he should have been saying things like... "i know its difficult to learn something new", "hang in there, it will get easier, once you are familiar with it" and "if you are having trouble i am here to help". Encouraging words are much more helpful to a new student who is questioning whether or not they are doing the right thing anyway, than negativity.

I am writing this because for a very brief second i thought to myself that day..."maybe i should just drop this class, it doesnt seem like he is willing to work with me and give me the help i need" But i quickly realized even if he wants to be more of a supervisor than a TEACHer, i can do this. There was a reason why i left Washington and started this whole new life path for myself and my kids... and as I sat in class that day, i listened and watched as he was writing the problems out on the board, and something sort of clicked. Now, im not saying i totally get algebra now, by any means, but i understood what he was doing, and why. So i was able to come home, look at the last weeks homework, that i did in a confused state of "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?" and was able to go back and fix the steps i had messed up, and got through that weeks homework in about 2 hours. So i am pretty damn proud of myself. Proud that i was able to stick it out and realize that i just needed a little more time, and i wasnt, in fact, wasting my time or anyone elses.

I know that there will be more confusing things that come up in this class, and in my other class that may make me feel discouraged and overwhelemed but i wanted to write this out now, while i am feeling this great sense of accomplishment and pride, even though its a very small step, so i can look back and read this and go... ok i have been here before, i can get through it, and at the same time, perhaps it can be inspiring or uplifting to someone else as well.

I am enjoying school so far and im looking forward to the journey i have created for myself and want to thank all of you who have been supportive of me for the last several months, it means more than you know.

"No problem can withstand the assault of thinking" ~Voltaire